sleep is NOT overrated

I have been struggling. I am not sleeping. I am lost in a world that reigns with no schedules, no organization, cranky kids and a meal plan down the drain.

I seem so put together most of the time on the outside, but I am having some breakdowns and my kids are struggling as well.

SO............

I am going to change this. But only one thing at a time. I am starting with bedtimes. 

I had a lovely lunch with my oldest child, which knows me very well, to discuss our issues and what we can do about them.  We are starting with a nice bed time routine. I had a strict bed time routine when the boys were little. I have lost that. Of course, back then, they were my focus. I am afraid to say that Molly is not. I have  too many focuses. I talked earlier about your starfish. I know what mine is now.

I have three of them.

Nothing else can matter right now. I have a very important job of being a mom and wife. Those two things can change a family. And if more women focused on only those two things, it could change a nation. I know that men being dads and husbands make a difference, but I am a woman and thats all I can work on.

So, back to my routine. I called it the B routine.

Bath, bottle/breast, book, bed. 

This is something I chanted in my head for years. Why have I let this go???  Poor kid just needs some routine to feel better. Atleast I hope so. 

T also stated that they could help with clean up while I started Molly on her routine and then I could develop a routine with them as well. That's all kids really want isn't it. Time with us?

Tonight it starts. I will let you know what happens.

Next - stopping a midnight feeding.......

alive.

well. I have been hit with some news that is a little alarming.  I am pretty sure I am in the onset of Lupus. I have had some testing done and now have an eye issue that is from this disease. I am trying not to throw a pity party. I had a mental shut down.

but then....

I realized that I need to make sure and live every single day. I mean, you can die from a car wreck and some diagnosis won't even matter then.

I am resting my heart and mind today. Preparing to put on my big girl panties and start this thing.

So, what does "really living" mean to me??

Talking to my kids. Not just doing the mommy uh huh, nod thing.

Be happy to see husband when he gets home. Give him a hug and let him know that I missed him that day.

Don't wish away the baby years. She cries and screams, it makes me lose my mind, but someday I will wish for these times again.

Be patient with my parents. They only do what they do because they love me.

Exercise and drink water. It may seem small, but taking care of ourselves in a huge investment in our future.

Take time to foster relationships with friends. They help us, make us laugh, love us and help us stay sane.

Dance. I love music and think I don't have time for it. I need to make it. My boys love dancing with their momma.

Dress up. Just because it's fun.

This diagnosis is not a death sentence. But I don't want to wait till I get one to start living.

from Palm Sunday to Easter

I speak at our local Wesley foundation quite often. I have always been so nervous! But, lately God has really blessed my heart with messages that can only be from Him.  

The last time I spoke, I amazed myself. I spoke on the importance of Palm Sunday and the Holy Week experience. We look at the crowds as the welcome in Jesus, and then how they cry for his Crucifixion. Isn't it intriguing how we can change so quickly?!

An author, I wish I could remember her name, talked about the fire we have for God on Sunday morning and how we deny his existence by the middle of the week. By not praying, by not rejoicing in God, we are denying His existence. We become the Friday crowd instead of the welcome committee of Palm Sunday. We fail at being Christians. Which is why I am so thankful for Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

I hope that I can learn from Palm Sunday and the Holy Week that I need to be aware of denying God throughout my week. To wave my Palm daily. To welcome God in every morning.  May we be resurrected with God this Easter!

Happy Easter from us!

to know His voice

So me and the Mr. met online. We chatted over the internet and telephone for months before we finally met.

I was thinking about talking with God and how just talking with R for many months wooed me. I can remember the waiting to see the message pop up on Eharmony. Wondering what his voice would sound like. Then, the first time we spoke, and the many times after that, I began to know it was him just by the sound of his voice. On our first face to face date, I got to see the face that went with the voice. What an experience!

To learn about someone, get to know them from writings, then talking and finally growing into a relationship.

This started me thinking about God. We always ask, "how do I know it's God???" 

Well, we get to know Him.

We start with His writing. We can debate till be are blue in the face if the Bible is complete, if it is correct transalation, and what not. I believe God is above all of that. Next, we can just start talking. I remember not knowing what to say to R and how the conversation became easier in time. Sometimes we just sat there in silence. This is how it will develop with God, too. God created relationships and this is all He wants with us as well.  The more you talk, the better you know His voice and if it is Him talking to you. And, just like silence is sometimes comforting with those we love, it is ok with God,too. Just enjoy your time with Him. And  even if someone sounds like my husband, I would know it wasn't him if they were telling me things completely out of character for him.

We will know.

The best part is seeing Him. We see Him when we finally can recognize Him. Then you will see him everywhere. You will know what to expect. Will we all go through this process at the same time? In the same manner?

 No.

It is our personal relationship with Him. and His with us. Take time. Get to know Him and you will know.

Decisions

We are still struggling with decisions in this house. I am a people pleaser and have created a child just like me. T is struggling with the decision to quit. While I am glad that he is thinking about it, it is mainly because he feels the need to please everyone. I talked to him about knowing what you want. My coffee cup teaches me this every morning... it is a Life is Good mug stating "Do you what you like, Like what you do." 

He was asking me, "How do I know what I want to do?" 

My words even spoke to my heart - if you want something, you know it. Don't hemhaw around and wonder if all you are doing are trying to figure out how to please everyone else.

Really????  How can I say this when I didn't even know this?! I have been struggling with the SAME issue. It is like God came down and spoke to both of us. Right when we needed it.

We know. Our hears are usually right. God lives there. I just choose not to listen to it most of the time. I try to please everyone else but God. Our Sunday School lesson talked about finding your starfish. We all have one. If you don't know who Rob Bell is or the NOOMA video series, find out. Listen. Be transformed.  I am tired of holding all the little pieces of shells, seeing the starfish God has for me, and not being able to grab a hold and reap the blessings.

http://nooma.com

Now is the time to know. To be aware of what your conscience is telling you. To wait for your starfish. Even if you are 11 (or 32 years) of age.

raising young men

We have entered the world of raising young men and have said good bye (atleast with the oldest) to little boy games. My oldest has started the preteen attitude and has lost the ability to show respect to anyone in his world.
 I became a mom mission.
 I was not going to have "those kids" anymore. I was brought a sharp does of reality while getting M's 3 month old pictures and T and t were the most whiney, misbehaving children EVER. The photographer actually asked me to come back without them.
 WOW.
We were the family you whisper about when they walk off, "that poor mom, what hapened to discipline in that home, how does she do THAT."   Well, no more. I next captured a glimpse into the way my son views me and my "discipline" technique.  T did the usual, " I am sorry for my behavior" in his well practiced monotone voice while staring out the window. When, in my exasperated voice, yelled, "really? REALLY? then WHY do we have to say sorry every.single.time. we go somewhere??!! If you were sorry, you would change your behavior!" He laughed.
HE LAUGHED.
 I think my head spun around. When did we get here? When did I lose the scare tactic with my children. When did I become a joke? I was heart broken. I was flabergasted. And I realized it was time for a change. I also realized what God must feel like having me as a child. I can look back and see many times that, unfortunetly, I laughed at God as He scolded me. Probably begging in His heart for me to just see it His way. I am sorry, God. I get it now.

So, He is grounded to his family. I must watch my words. I do not want to tear him to pieces (not any more atleast) and I want to lead by example. So, starts the hardest job ever of minute by minute reconstruction of a family.

With quitting Gymnastics, his household responsibilities have gone up. He is also allowed to play and play outside, but not able to go anywhere. I am not able to trust his behavior yet. And no kids inside. We are hoping to use priveleges as rewards as he improves his behavior. We do not believe in paying an allowance. A household has to work together and we do not get paid for this. We earn money by working outside of the home. We can learn to save our money through working in the home by making things ourselves and doing our own household maintenance.  If we lived on a farm or had a home based business, this would be different.  I could see sharing a pay scale if it was a money making venture.

Well, my reward came yesterday. We had a long day out with friends in my husband's hometown. I know it was not the most fun a kid could have, but my children did GREAT!.  I am so happy and so proud of them and their progress. I am going to reward them on Friday with some xbox time.

I know they will not be perfect. But I would like them to learn manners, respect for elders, and how to function in a family and run a home. I do not want to raise boys that are dependent on a woman. But that the girl they fall in love with will become a welcome partner in raising a family and running a household.  I want people to see the heart of my kids and enjoy their company.

Happy Monday to you, friend. May we have the energy to get through the week!

When Kids Quit

I became THAT mom last night. My oldest son quit gymnastics and my heart broke. I wanted so badly for him to do well and have a "thing" that he did. He could be so good! I love watching him and love watching him succeed. He allows fear and the success of others to get him down. I didn't want to talk to him at first. I cried. I put my own selfish desires ahead of his feelings.

Maybe this is what he needs.......

He was very torn about what to do. I made him make the decision on his own. He has struggled with it since the minute he made it. But, as I told him, this is part of becoming a young man. Decisions have to made about what you want. I also made him tell my husband and he will have to tell the grandparents. He had to tell his coach as well.  When he was asked why, he gave a rude "i JUST don't want to!". The biggest part of this for us, as parents, is his behavior and how he quit. So, along with this, if he cannot come up with a better reason to quit, he must pay back some of the money we invested. We just purchased ANOTHER uniform last week. We have paid well into the thousands this year for him to be able to do this. He begged to go back (yes, we have been through this before). I feel I should have pushed him to stay the first time. I would push harder this time, but he is rude and disrepectful of his coach and the other gymnasts when he will not do the skill (or even try) and says he just doesn't care.

I dream of everthing in my world nightly.  I keep thinking of him being the oldest child, the leader at gymnastics, and so many other things that may seem overwhelming for him.  I think we are going to do some bible studies on fear and leadership. We will look into some good books on leadership. He panics when it is time to step up. I do want him to struggle with this fear and miss out all that life can offer.

My heart is broken, I am dissapointed in him.

 I hope he learns something through all of this.

 I hope I learn something, too.